The coffee cooled while I stare at the empty room thinking about the universe - how it all began, how it connects one thing to everything, how the stars place themselves at such a definite location that their light reaches my windowsill at the right moment in this time of my life. The blinding light of my desktop computer shined so brightly against my dark room for a long time that I never realized the time flying until I heard the faint ticking sound of my watch as it neared 3:00AM. I have been in these crossroads many times over, but this time it's because of you. Our breakup was clean, efficient, surgically perfect one might add. We remained friends and we have been through ups and downs, dramas and endings. It has been years now but still. You remained the single man that you are. I am happy - or I thought I was until I started seeing you change. It irked me at first, seeing you yearn for me when I cannot give more than friendship. I wanted so much for you to move on, get on with your life, to grow up.
These past few weeks I started noticing change. My heart is tearing piece by piece with every photo, every post, every new memory you have with her. I know this is all my fault that I pushed you away. It is all that I could do after what has happened. Even though I could not imagine myself without you I believed with all my heart that we don't have a future at all. But hell! This is the reason why I kept our friendship going on. I cannot break away from you - my soulmate. We had so much together. But then I noticed that the more I hold on to you, the more I hurt you and the more my heart tears apart as I think about my future.
The golden glow of the moonlight cannot fully wash my thoughts away. My coffee grew colder. The starlight faded but my heart remains in pain. I am with guilt and my mind is raging against every rightful thought I have to remain sane. Time is running out for me. Should I call everything quits? Should I let you go and be happy with her? Will I learn to love the person I will chose over you? I am seriously considering the option of staying away from you to protect myself, to protect my heart from waves of pain. I am afraid.
How could I get over the fact that I am feeling the pangs of jealousy with anyone - especially her - that goes near you? I am dying and no one can save me, no one. I am trapped. I am in love and has always been - but now I realized it has always been you. You are mine and I am yours - for always. That was our promise.
0 comments:
Post a Comment